Dangerous Cycle or Hopeless Romantic?

I don't quite feel like I'm in the friend zone, but I damn sure ain't dating this girl. So, where exactly do I stand? Because I can pretty much speak to where she stands for me. This just seems dangerously close to many other situations I've experienced in the past. Where I feel like I'm just being kept around because I know I'm a good catch but to all the way commit to me.. Why would you? I'm there just as if you're my only one. I'm giving you all of me, but its unwarranted. You've done nothing to earn such loyalty, care, & compassion from me. But this is what I give my friends, just obviously not in a romantic way. This is me. Loyal. Hmm.. I gotta start thinking of me first & foremost, because we know that's your tactic.

I'm Back, But, I Never Left

My first year of college is done. I'm now back in the home I waited on the acceptance letter in. The home I did high school homework at. The home where I was scolded and given curfews. Have I changed much? Have I evolved a great deal? I would love to say yes. But I don't necessarily feel as if I have. I feel like I had an a pretty strong grip on life before I left and I was just exposed to different situations, not necessarily new ones. I met different people, not more evolved ones. I had high expectations for college, especially at a UC, and its attendees. They were broken down by Winter Break. Soo.. now I sit & reflect. Academically, I enjoyed first semester. Gained some basic knowledge in introductory politics (things I should have learned if I paid any sort of attention in AP Government senior yr), I finally found the founding of American history interesting. & I quickly learned the ropes of how to interact w/ professionals on a collegiate level. I don't feel like a brand new college going human being! I'm still a virgin. I still haven't been in that serious, committed relationship I seek so vigorously. I'm a person back home w/ new stories to tell the friends I've acquired over the yrs. Hmm.. have I hit my evolutionary peek or do I give myself too much credit?

Attempts at a "Nigga Mentality"

Its always funny to me when girls claim to have been hurt so badly in the past that they have a wall up & inevitably (some admittedly) pick up a "nigga mentality." The funny thing is, I don't even have that mentality. I can't. I'm not capable. I have a conscience. I think about others ALONG w/ myself. Hmm.. my bad? No, I'm not going to change because that is the expectations of males. While I really did/do like you, you're selfish. You're probably selfish because of your hurt or life happenings that shaped you this way, but I've demonstrated the qualities of a true gentleman and almost been a complete open book. Therefore, I didn't deserve to be forced to play a role on your continuously developing "team" as you believe this "talking" thing is a game where dudes should know their role. I was never quite sure what mine was. I suppose I'm still too mature even when dealing w/ an older girl. Shame, shame.